i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
