Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize
