Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
