Just cropdusted the office
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
