he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
