i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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