I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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