I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
