Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
