I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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