did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
