Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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