how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
