Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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