A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
