i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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