Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
