We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
