my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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