I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
