the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
