Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We are two peas in an std pod
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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