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My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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