please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Two words: blizzard sex
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize