i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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