I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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