3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
