Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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