just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
