Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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