OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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