I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She told me I should be a condom model.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
