dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize