after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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