He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Let's get the cat blown out
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
