I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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