Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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