Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
