all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize