Cold hands, warm shart.
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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