my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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