On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
