Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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