yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
