Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Holy shit dude........stairs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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