The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The feeling are messing with the penis
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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