And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
