So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
