Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
