Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize