All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize