someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
