I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
