Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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