how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
