Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
