Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
