The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
