We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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