so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
whose parrot is this?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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