During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
