was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize