I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
