i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
