It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
