so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
