I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
