yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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