I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
