i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
