I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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